LIVE BLOG: March Madness, Day 1

12:34 PM: My very first post on this brand spankin’ new blog, and it’s a March Madness live blog? I really have no idea what I’m doing with my life, do I? This will not end well. MARCH MADNESS!!!

12:45 PM: MARGARITA MODE ACTIVATED. MICHIGAN STATE DOMINANCE MODE… not activated. Say, has anybody checked on the whereabouts of Bryce Drew yet?

12:58 PM: Just started marinating this big and beautiful piece of beef brisket. Normally, MARCH MADNESS!!! tradition requires us to eat buffalo wings by the bucket, but not this time. No, sir. I’M A REBEL. I’M AN UNIQUE WALLFLOWER. I WILL NOT BE DENIED MY BEEF BRISKET. In related news, Butler is letting Bucknell hang around. Do we have an… UPSET IN THE MAKING? (Probably not.)

1:18 PM: If you needed to know who Bryce Drew is… here’s your answer:

1:35 PM: I’m like, what, a hour into this liveblog, and I’ve already had a hyperlink FAIL. The fail isn’t as strong as Valparaiso’s fail, though, because Valparaiso is getting its’ ass kicked hard right now.

1:55 PM: Hold on to your asses, folks – Butler/Bucknell just got good. UPSET ALERT INITIATED. By the way, Butler head coach Brad Stevens is only 36. And he’s been to two Final Fours already. I’m about to turn 30 this year. I hate my life. /sets self on fire

2:15: My beloved grill is ON FIRE right now. Can you guess another thing that’s gonna be grilled momentarily? That’s right, sir. Or ma’am. BUTLER. Butler’s gonna be put on the grill. Or Bucknell. I don’t know, they keep changing the lead like every five seconds or so. STOP KILLING MY JOKE, GUYS.

2:38 PM: Thanks for trying and failing to give us your ONE SHINING MOMENT, Bucknell. Just go home. This… is… not… MARCH MADNESS!!! If anything, it’s been more like MARCH CALMNESS. (joke stolen from somewhere)

3:00 PM: Come on, guys. You do realize Scott Madsen was kidding about today being March Calmness, right? Don’t take it so literally. GET MAD.

3:31 PM: SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MARCH BOREDOM. I’m now legitimately terrified about the possibility of having to kill two full pitchers of margaritas just to even tolerate the rest of the afternoon games. At least Wichita State is slapping around Pitt right now, so I’ve got that going fo- oh, who am I kidding? /starts drinking heavily

4:04 PM: Worst MARCH MADNESS!!! ever. PROJECT X (the movie) is worse, though, so MARCH MADNESS!!! should feel lucky right there. I mean, seriously? Why the hell wouldn’t you charge $5 per head for a massive party like the one depicted in the movie? And the drug dealer with the flamethrower? What the hell, man? And a hollowed-out garden gnome with 383932 ecstasy pills? Seriously, worst party movie ever. Oh, hey there, Wichita State. UPSET ALERT INITIATED. The Shockers are about… to shock Pitt.

4:54 PM: MARCH MADNESS? More like MARCH TAKE A NAP NESS. I’m actually considering taking a nap. The whole day is starting to feel like a grueling marathon. Sigh.

5:15 PM: SAVE US FROM THE HELL THAT IS MARCH CALMNESS, DAVIDSON. #14 Davidson’s up 7 on #3 Marquette with just over seven minutes left in the game. DO IT, DAVIDSON. Get the announcer to say FATALITY! Maybe by then I’ll actually be awake.

6:02 PM: Oh, great. Go home, Davidson. You’re drunk. And it’s still friggin’ unbelievable that I’m not drunk right now. The boredom must be keeping me sober. NOT COOL, GUYS. NOT COOL. Do your job, Southern University. GET ME DRUNK AND TAKE ME TO BED. Well, actually, I kinda want Jennifer Lawrence to do that instead. So… uh… never mind.

6:32 PM: Oh, Southern University, you’re turning me on. I’m so horny fo- uh… Um. I… I… Let’s just never speak of this ever again.

6:48 PM: You broke my heart, Southern. YOU BROKE MY HEART.  I… I can’t even… I…

8:07 PM: Just took a 45 minute nap. That should tell you everything about today.


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