12:14 PM: Oh, hi. Sorry about last night. Yeah, sure, Harvard won, but it wasn’t a classic ending. I had to let yesterday’s liveblog die a slow and quiet death. *sniffles* I’ll miss you, Day 1 live blog. Okay! Duke/Albany coming up. One word for you: LEHIGH!!!
12:49 PM: DUCK FUKE. Seriously, Duke sucks. (Okay, not really, but it’s kinda fun to share in the irrational hatred of all things Duke.)
1:26 PM: To drink or to not drink? That is the question. Meh, here’s to hoping that Albany upsets Duke, which will in turn cause me to feel naturally drunk and happy… I really have no idea what I’m saying here, do I? MARCH MADNESS!!!
1:43 PM: You’re breaking America’s heart, Albany. Here, lemme take you out for some fishing, on Lake Tahoe, to make you feel a little bit better. [kills Albany Fredo Corleone-style] You broke my heart, Albany. *whispers* YOU BROKE MY HEART.
2:12 PM: *currently trying to make Marshall Henderson the Johnny Football of college basketball* MARSHALL BASKETBALL!!!
2:43 PM: MARSHALL BASKETBALL!!! The unnaturally powerful force that is Marshall Henderson just took down #5 Wisconsin. Wisconsin head coach Bo Ryan is now showing his anger over the loss by flipping chairs, water coolers, referees, and Wisconsin’s cheerleaders. Meanwhile, Marshall is now sitting in the stands with a beautiful and nubile co-ed, snacking on her popcorn while talking on the phone like the badass athlete he is.
3:23 PM: Two bottles of Pepsi Max and two bottles of wine. I think I’m set for tonight. BACKUP OPTION FOR FUN: snorting several lines of grape fun-dip powder.
3:42 PM: N.C. State loses to Temple Deceased N.C. State head coach Jim Valvano: “Never give up. Never ever, ever, ever giv- oh, for fuck’s sake. What the hell was that? I’m outta here.”
4:22 PM: Denzel Washington actually does have some game: http://espn.go.com/blog/playbook/fandom/post/_/id/19910/meet-denzel-washington-the-hoops-stud (I know, I know – I still haven’t figured out the whole hyperlink thing yet. Shhhhhh.)
4:30 PM: Ladies and gentlemen, the wit of Marshall Henderson is now on display via Twitter – @NativeFlash22: “I SUCK AND GET A LEBRON TWEET!!! HAHAHAHA I DONT WANNA HEAR NOBODY SAY NOTHIN, IVE MADE IT!!!”
4:50 PM: Grab your asses and hang on, kids: La Salle/Kansas State is officially on UPSET ALERT. Let’s see what my joke book has to say about this… Welp. Nothing. Let’s just hope that La Salle wins the game in a bizarre but awesome way.
5:21 PM: LA SALLE. YOU HAVE SAVED MARCH MADNESS. AMERICA THANKS YOU.
6:32 PM: Y U NO MAD, MARCH? We’ve yet to have a classic buzzer-beater game. And we’re kinda in a lull right now, with the rest of today’s games coming up in 20 minutes, so… Rick Pitino adultery jokes, anybody? No? Aw.
8:43 PM: America: “GO GO GO FGCU GO G- wait a minute. Who the fuck is FGCU?” Florida Gulf Coast is up big on #2 Georgetown right now. Somewhere in America, a man named Allen Iverson is mumbling to himself, saying “March Madness? Serious, man? You talking about March Madness? MARCH MADNESS?! I don’t do March Madness, man.”
9:15 PM: FGCU!!! FGCU!!! FGCU!!! They just ripped out Georgetown’s heart with a massive alley-oop dunk and ate it on national TV.
10:11 PM: BRB BRB BRB taking a break from the certifiable madness that is the month of March to watch the U.S. men’s soccer team lose yet another winnable game vs. Costa Rica. AMERICA!!!